"Maybe you should just take it"

I didn't want to remember this. I didn't want to believe this had happened to me, and nobody around me wanted me to believe it either.

Nobody around me wanted to believe it so much that my marriage is over because I've remembered. And nobody in my immediate or extended family will talk to me either. But the funny thing is they won't tell me why they won't talk to me.

I'm sure my mother goes around telling people that she's perplexed why I'm so angry. I've always been, "So angry" according to my mother.

My mother, who acts like all this child sexual abuse was happening in another galaxy far, far away.

Not like I told her repeatedly: but she kept at that school for 10 years.

Yes, that mother of mine.

Let me tell you this about my mother and my family. I think it's seventh grade, it would be in America, 11 to 12 years old, at a very prestigious private school in Scotland, one of "Scotland's best".

We had multiple teachers who were violent, some of them sexual. And the very worst one would do various things in the classroom, and do a lot more in the boarding houses.

But what he did to me, was call me down to the front of the class, and masturbated me. And he did this to lots of people. And he did make me orgasm.

And that was basically death at the school. Because when you had to walk back to your desk, particularly if he'd made you orgasm, everyone laughed their asses off.

And then you got a special nickname that basically said, "He enjoyed it. He wanted it. It's his fault."

When I went home and told my mother about this, she said, "Does he do it to other boys?" And I said, "Yes". And she said, "Maybe you should just take it".

And that was the end of that. We never talked about it as a family. My father never talked to me about it, but I can tell he was even more resentful and scornful of me after that. He left home just a few months later.

My mother never so much as even sent a note to the school.

Now, if that'd been my kids, and I know this is easy to say as a parent, but I actually would walk this talk now......if that happened to one of my kids, I'd have gone straight the fuck through there that night and kicked the fuck out of that guy.

Fuck him, fuck them, fuck them all.

Because the thing is, and what hurts so much for me, is that the abuse has never really ended.

Because nobody around me has ever vaguely been honest about what actually happened to them.

I had a massive showdown with my mother and my brother on March 9th last year. And that was the first time, at the age of 56, that my brother admitted that he too had been sexually abused.

But he said, "JQ fondled my arse after he finished spanking me, like he did with everyone, but it didn't affect me".

There's really no better expression to encapsulate the hostility and disbelief and rage that comes from enablers and closet victims towards people like me, who are actually telling the truth and being vilified for it.

Fuck all them.